Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the condom got lost in my hair
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
