I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm really busy with my period
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