I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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