So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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