you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
