My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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