I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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