I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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