god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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