i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
