so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
