While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
