I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
