my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
