The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
