her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
