im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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