Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize