All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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