Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
