i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
