Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
