Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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