Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
