I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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