I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
