My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you didnt know i had herpes?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
