Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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