If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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