if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
