your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
