Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
