I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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