wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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