I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
