Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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