You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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