You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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