Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
