Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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