just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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