nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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