I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
