I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
