mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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