If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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