You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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