I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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