Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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