i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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