Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
