drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
