Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
