the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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