Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
