i already hear my dad disowning me
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
