So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
