I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
