Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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