You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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