based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
